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nana's blog


very vague trigger warning: may be references to suicidal tendancies, depression, eating disorders or internalised homo/transphobia. i will always put a more general trigger warning under each blog post so you can choose to skip certain blogposts if you want. < 3



1st october 2021 - :)


i just got an ipad! neocities from a tablet is hard but i can make it work i think :)

^gusonana




18th september 2021 - people pleaser


i keep finding myself looking at him or trying to get his attention... maybe i was dramatic in my last story and he didn't know how to respond.. although i still wish i was aro -- maybe if i just outright tell him and make him say no to me just so i can use that as a way to get over this stoopid crush

^gusonana




14th september 2021 - amours mortes tant de peine


i'm so heartbroken... the person i liked a lot is ignoring me... i dmed him something and he hasn't replied, but on my seccond account i posted something and he liked it.... i'm so sad i can't even bother to type this on my computer, i'm doing it from my phone in my room. i feel sick.... i wish i was straight or aromantic, things would be so much easier

^gusonana




9th september 2021 - school pt 2 & no more work


just finished (nearly) my first week at college. it's super fun! it's a lot more academic than school was. i like that. i get to actually study the things i want to study and i love all my teachers.

also, i didn't quit work -- but they reduced my shifts at work because i have school -- in other words, no more work for the foreseeable future... bavfuawgfudfudufa i am so so so relieved.
finally, i made a new playlist, u can give it a lesson here :)



^gusonana




4th september 2021 - school


i started college yesterday, got my timetable and my form and i love it. i'm still super nervous for sixth form though. this is such a huge jump...

i'm debatin whether or not to carry on with work... i hate working a lot and it's horrible for my mental health, but making a little extra money is quite nice, i suppose.

^gusonana




28th august 2021 - i hate work


i told my boss im going back to school this week so i can't work that much. guess what they proceed to do. they made me have a shift EVERY DAY of this week until school starts. i am practically punching my keyboard in rage. makes me want to SCCREEEEEAAAAAAAM

^gusonana




19th august 2021 - life update thing (again)


sorry i haven't been updating much, i've had low motivation due to depression. yesterday i got vaccinated and because im 16 i only get one dose -- yipee!! hopefully that means i can go to germany to speak german. i also started learning french today -- i know, i know, i started leaarning toki pona just 10 days ago, but i think me being autistic allows me to easier learn multiple languages at the same time :D my therapist calls it procrastination and that i "need to prioritise my studies over my hobbies" i call it innovation and making do with what we have, innit

^gusonana




16th august 2021 - ...


so depressed...

^gusonana




9th august 2021 - update on my life


here's one of these longer blog posts again

so i bought a sports bra and a wig and the sports bra is soooo comfy... i'm just waiting for the wig and my makeup to arrive
i've also been toying with the idea of microdosing estrogen -- stupid laws in the uk means i can't get hormones because i'm under 18, so i'll have to buy hormones with my own money (maybe i can open a paypal or something so i can recieve donations) and i need to buy anti ndrogens like bica too

i started reading a short novella in german called "the nameless child" and it's kinda cute. i also started learning toki pona today, and i can't say much except:

toki! mi jan Nana en mi toki toki pona, toki apikan, toki tosi en toki inli. toki pona li toki suwi

yeah, not very good. i'm working on a toki pona section on my website when my toki pona improves enough.

^gusonana




5th august 2021 - greetings from blackpool


god i hate this city so much. i was stupid enough to not bring by laptop, so i'm writing this from my phone. it is so painful dude

^gusonana




29th july 2021 - so many ambitions so little time


i realy wanna start writing short stories and maybe publishing them but i really have no motivation to... it's not that i'm too lazy, just excecutive function i guess

also shout out to turd for consistently reading these logs :D

^gusonana




26th july 2021 - failiure


i couldn't find a replacement for my africa bracelet :(

beabadoobee was pretty cool and i saw damon albarn too

idk what to write here, i turned down the guy who asked me out, life has been pretty bland lately. hmmmmmmmmm

^gusonana




19th july 2021 - sad


oh, what a disaster... i lost my africa pendant that i bought in cape town when i last went to visit my family in south africa.... :( i'm absolutely devastated

^gusonana




17th july 2021 - musique


i'm going to a music festivak on thursday. no one i like is performing, but i'm going to see beabadobee. i'm also going to see kero kero bonito in september :)

does anyone else feel like, i don't now, i'm really good at worldbuilding and composing melodies, but when it comes to writing and singing i'm hopelessly shit :D

i'm feeling kinda depressed, kinda like life is too bland. i think this guy from my school is flirting with me, he said he wanted to hang out today but i said i was busy. he said maybe we can meet tomorrow. he's in a relationship but i think he wants it to be an open relationship, which (for me) is perfect solely because im terrified of commitment... but i don't know.

this was a very lengthy log, i like doing these longer logs. they feel refreshing and typing my thoughts and publishing them is fun!

^gusonana




14th july 2021 - untitled log (3)


mmmmmmhh... im so over work.. -.-

^gusonana




7th july 2021 - revelation


rivers remind me of life. always flowing towards their destination, meandering and overcoming obstacles wherever they come across. streams can split off from rivers and form their own path or they can join new rivers. isn't that beautiful?

^gusonana




6th july 2021 - untitled log (2)


so.. depressed..

i need some excitement to break the monotony of life. i'm never pleased with what i'm doing. i don't like the way my body looks either.

:(

^gusonana




30th june 2021 - meow


my cat is sleeping next to me on my pillow, and i can tell she is dreaming because her taill is swooshing and twitching

perhaps cats' dreams come from their tail. :3

^gusonana




29th june 2021 - bleh


don't you feel annoyed when you get lethargic from things that haven't even happened yet?

^gusonana




24th june 2021 - improvement


i'm feeling quite better and i'm more comfortable with my body now
i wanna write an essay but i'm too lazy to. haaaaaaasjsjf d

^gusonana




23rd june 2021 - tw/ body image issues


i hate my body so much. nothing i do can make me happy with it. i can't describe it

i have been feeling horibly depressed lately

^gusonana




22nd june 2021 - trance gener


i think i'm a girl

^gusonana




21st june 2021 - i'm almost there


tomorrow i'm going for an end of school celebration and picnic with my friends :3 i feel kinda guilty that i'm not working much this week but argh oh wellll fsjfbhsegfyukesy

^gusonana




20th june 2021 - mmph /tw trauma, depression


someone who caused me a whole lot of trauma wants to apologise

i don't want to accept their apology

its ok for me not to accept abusers apologies right

^gusonana




18th june 2021 - i got it bitches YEEESSS


i ordered the switch lite and it's coming tommorow!!!!! i'll add my friend code to my about me section in a bit so stay tuned for that, maybe we can play together

^gusonana




15th june 2021 - adhdautism woes


hyperfixation go BRRRRRRRRRR

i tried coming up with an incentive for me to go to work, and that incentive was "if i get paid, i can get the new blue switch lite!" the major flaw in that being I ALREADY HAVE A SWITCH. but heheeh pretty blue :3

yeah so now the worst part about it is now because of me, being neurodivergent, i've started to hyperfixate on the switch lite so bad that it physically hurts my brain. anyways, i have work again tomorrow so you can bet i'll be on that switch lite grind!

^gusonana




14th june 2021 - fake friends


this one person i met online and were friends with was snakey to me and my other friend group. i distanced myself from her but i tried making ammends, as did she. this was all to please someone else in our group.

but now for literally no reason (i haven't interacted with her AT ALL) she told me to shut up when i tried talking to her, and she unfollowed me. it hurt at first, but then i realised i'm not gonna let some lowlife who is several years older than me bully me and get me down! i have other friends who i KNOW care about me. i don't need validation from older people anymore!

i deleted my twitter and blocked her on everything. i'm not worried about the oher friend asking me to befriend her again, because this time, we BOTH saw the message she sent me.

i don't need anyone else, i'm going to live for myself!

^gusonana




14th june 2021 - untitled log (1)


i'm off tomorrow. i want to learn to code html and css better, so i can make this log prettier. i am so tired ...

^gusonana




12th june 2021 -internet mysteries - vol 1


something really (cool? funny?) i found online -- basically, if one were to google "dolphins" by avril levine, you will find literally fucking TONNES of websites hosting lyrics for this song.

except this song doesn't exist.

the wierd and kinda eerie thing about this for me is that all of the lyrics are very poorly spelled, which just further ads to the mystery.

is it a copyright trap? is it a mistake? i don't know...

here you can find the lyrics for this seemingly non-existant song. take care everyone...

^gusonana




11th june 2021 - tw/ discussion of food and eating disorders


recovery is so fucking hard. i know i don't skip meals as much as i used to but whenever i look at a food item or whatever, all i feel is guilt.

i associate beauty with skeletal anorexic bodies and now that i'm not underweight anymore i feel fat -- even though my weight is normal. i'm constantly on the verge of fainting and it's affecting my school and work life.

^gusonana




10th june 2021 - wage-slave woes


:/ so i started work and... it sucks. customers are so fuckin rude and they don't treat me like a human.

it's so frustrating!
money doesn't really motivate me either, but at least this job has further motivated me to do well at college. maybe if i work hard enough i can do a job i actually like. i'm going to give college my all!

^gusonana




22nd may 2021 -- let the wage-slaving begin


welp i got the job. the interview was scary but i did it.
we didn't end up going to canterbury. it was raining over there and the person we were meeting have a baby.

i don't like babies. babies are assholes.

^gusonana




21st may 2021 // TW: mentions of depression


:/ so i'm starting work soon which doesn't particularly excite me in all honestly. i barely have enough energy to get myself up in the morning to go to school or whatever and it sucks knowing under this bullshit capitalist economy i'm required to do this shitty retail job that pays me minimum wage just for me to get by. i kinda have no motivation to do anything anymore but i guess i'll have to deal with it until the revolution comes lol

in other news i'm going to canterbury tomorrow. hopefully i can sit down in a nice open field and lay down and relax to take my mind off of things. but arrgrhhhh my interview D: wish me luck ;)

in other words, my cat is sleeping next to me, and she is dreaming. her tail is swishing about -- it's adorable. it reminds me of when i was little, my mamma tied a balloon around my wrist and we both pretended it was a dog. i appreciate she played along with her dumb 4 year old's fantasies.

^gusonana