very vague trigger warning: may be references to suicidal tendancies, depression, eating disorders or internalised homo/transphobia. i will always put a more general trigger warning under each blog post so you can choose to skip certain blogposts if you want. < 3
i realy wanna start writing short stories and maybe publishing them but i really have no motivation to... it's not that i'm too lazy, just excecutive function i guess
also shout out to turd for consistently reading these logs :D
i couldn't find a replacement for my africa bracelet :(
beabadoobee was pretty cool and i saw damon albarn too
idk what to write here, i turned down the guy who asked me out, life has been pretty bland lately. hmmmmmmmmm
oh, what a disaster... i lost my africa pendant that i bought in cape town when i last went to visit my family in south africa.... :( i'm absolutely devastated
i'm going to a music festivak on thursday. no one i like is performing, but i'm going to see beabadobee. i'm also going to see kero kero bonito in september :)
does anyone else feel like, i don't now, i'm really good at worldbuilding and composing melodies, but when it comes to writing and singing i'm hopelessly shit :D
i'm feeling kinda depressed, kinda like life is too bland. i think this guy from my school is flirting with me, he said he wanted to hang out today but i said i was busy. he said maybe we can meet tomorrow. he's in a relationship but i think he wants it to be an open relationship, which (for me) is perfect solely because im terrified of commitment... but i don't know.
this was a very lengthy log, i like doing these longer logs. they feel refreshing and typing my thoughts and publishing them is fun!
mmmmmmhh... im so over work.. -.-
rivers remind me of life. always flowing towards their destination, meandering and overcoming obstacles wherever they come across. streams can split off from rivers and form their own path or they can join new rivers. isn't that beautiful?
i need some excitement to break the monotony of life. i'm never pleased with what i'm doing. i don't like the way my body looks either.
my cat is sleeping next to me on my pillow, and i can tell she is dreaming because her taill is swooshing and twitching
perhaps cats' dreams come from their tail. :3
don't you feel annoyed when you get lethargic from things that haven't even happened yet?
i'm feeling quite better and i'm more comfortable with my body now
i wanna write an essay but i'm too lazy to. haaaaaaasjsjf d
i hate my body so much. nothing i do can make me happy with it. i can't describe it
i have been feeling horibly depressed lately
i think i'm a girl
tomorrow i'm going for an end of school celebration and picnic with my friends :3 i feel kinda guilty that i'm not working much this week but argh oh wellll fsjfbhsegfyukesy
someone who caused me a whole lot of trauma wants to apologise
i don't want to accept their apology
its ok for me not to accept abusers apologies right
i ordered the switch lite and it's coming tommorow!!!!! i'll add my friend code to my about me section in a bit so stay tuned for that, maybe we can play together
hyperfixation go BRRRRRRRRRR
i tried coming up with an incentive for me to go to work, and that incentive was "if i get paid, i can get the new blue switch lite!" the major flaw in that being I ALREADY HAVE A SWITCH. but heheeh pretty blue :3
yeah so now the worst part about it is now because of me, being neurodivergent, i've started to hyperfixate on the switch lite so bad that it physically hurts my brain. anyways, i have work again tomorrow so you can bet i'll be on that switch lite grind!
this one person i met online and were friends with was snakey to me and my other friend group. i distanced myself from her but i tried making ammends, as did she. this was all to please someone else in our group.
but now for literally no reason (i haven't interacted with her AT ALL) she told me to shut up when i tried talking to her, and she unfollowed me. it hurt at first, but then i realised i'm not gonna let some lowlife who is several years older than me bully me and get me down! i have other friends who i KNOW care about me. i don't need validation from older people anymore!
i deleted my twitter and blocked her on everything. i'm not worried about the oher friend asking me to befriend her again, because this time, we BOTH saw the message she sent me.
i don't need anyone else, i'm going to live for myself!
i'm off tomorrow. i want to learn to code html and css better, so i can make this log prettier. i am so tired ...
something really (cool? funny?) i found online -- basically, if one were to google "dolphins" by avril levine, you will find literally fucking TONNES of websites hosting lyrics for this song.
except this song doesn't exist.
the wierd and kinda eerie thing about this for me is that all of the lyrics are very poorly spelled, which just further ads to the mystery.
is it a copyright trap? is it a mistake? i don't know...
here you can find the lyrics for this seemingly non-existant song. take care everyone...
recovery is so fucking hard. i know i don't skip meals as much as i used to but whenever i look at a food item or whatever, all i feel is guilt.
i associate beauty with skeletal anorexic bodies and now that i'm not underweight anymore i feel fat -- even though my weight is normal. i'm constantly on the verge of fainting and it's affecting my school and work life.
:/ so i started work and... it sucks. customers are so fuckin rude and they don't treat me like a human.
it's so frustrating!
money doesn't really motivate me either, but at least this job has further motivated me to do well at college. maybe if i work hard enough i can do a job i actually like. i'm going to give college my all!
welp i got the job. the interview was scary but i did it.
we didn't end up going to canterbury. it was raining over there and the person we were meeting have a baby.
i don't like babies. babies are assholes.
:/ so i'm starting work soon which doesn't particularly excite me in all honestly. i barely have enough energy to get myself up in the morning to go to school or whatever and it sucks knowing under this bullshit capitalist economy i'm required to do this shitty retail job that pays me minimum wage just for me to get by. i kinda have no motivation to do anything anymore but i guess i'll have to deal with it until the revolution comes lol
in other news i'm going to canterbury tomorrow. hopefully i can sit down in a nice open field and lay down and relax to take my mind off of things. but arrgrhhhh my interview D: wish me luck ;)
in other words, my cat is sleeping next to me, and she is dreaming. her tail is swishing about -- it's adorable. it reminds me of when i was little, my mamma tied a balloon around my wrist and we both pretended it was a dog. i appreciate she played along with her dumb 4 year old's fantasies.