very vague trigger warning: may be references to suicidal tendancies, depression, eating disorders or internalised homo/transphobia. i will always put a more general trigger warning under each blog post so you can choose to skip certain blogposts if you want. < 3
ﺩ／|、
(ﾟ､ 。7
meow
so two days ago i didn't get any sleep, nor did i eat. i went out for some drinks with my friends, and while i can usually tolerate alcohol, i passed out, and vomitted nonstop. my coat was DRENCHED in puke. my lips went blue, my breathing went shallow and i stopped breathing at one point. if my friends didn't put me in the recovery position i would have choked on my vomit and died.
my parents came to me and a few family friends who also dealt with alcohol poisoning and so did some paramedics who tested my blood levels. i woke up again at 3:00AM after being fully unconscious for several hours. i puked again and i went to sleep. the next day i woke up i have a slight hangover but i ate some ice cream and i felt mostly better. i won't be drinking at all anymore. but i'm glad i'm safe now
-hugs, gusonana
i know typing my insecurities out onto the internet and further dwelling on them is terrible for my mental health, and won't work, but oh well.
i was watching the commonwealth games today (go team south africa) and i got really sad while seeing hte swimmers' bodies. why can't i look like that and have a perfectly toned slim muscular body? it just makes me so sad. so then i wanted to exercise and swim, knowing full well it's not because i enjoy swimming, but because i want to look prettier. my entire self worth is based on how people view me and how people find me attractive. it's annoying, and i wish i could for once be happy with myself :(
-hugs, gusonana
i was at a music festival yesterday (happy birthday mamma :3) a guy flitted with me and i found it pretty adorkable, and i got cute glasses. right now i'm exporting my 3:00AM mixtape and my mac sounds like an aircraft taking off, and my kitty is sleeping on my lap.
i think i should develop our parasocial relationship by referring to you in second person. it would be more intimate. what do you think?
-hugs, gusonana
bonjour bitches
so today is a pretty fun day, none of my teachers are in bc of covid, so i'm pretty bored. i wanted to get my sociology results back today but ofc my socio teacher wasn't in. D:
i have english last period today so hopefully i'll get my results back -- i'm really feeling quite good about universities and whatnot. :) i'm just really hoping i'll also do good in german. the course i want to do at my dream university in the uk needs ABB. but i'm not sure where to do my masters -- either in south africa or in germany. i kinda want to live in south africa again for a bit so i can stop romanticising it in my head, but studying in germany will make it easier to move there and get citizenship, i think.
anyways, i've finished my personal statement and my teacher said it was really good :) i think i'm going to go out for lunch and get some appletizer and some ice cream, and maybe a stick of gum or some doritos. i quit smoking a few days ago and i'm really quite proud of myself :D i also got some glossier cloud paint blush which i can't wait for it to arrive. also, when my shein package comes, should i maybe showcase my clothes on here? what do you think?
-hugs, gusonana
i got an A in german, and a C in history :) i'm not sure what i got in English yet. I'll update later today :D
^gusonana
so next week i have mock exams for a-level, which are our predicted ucas (university application thing) grades. yes blah blah i'm stressed blah blah what's new. but my skin has broken out for the first time since i was 14 and aughhhhhh. :(
i wanted to get some perfume and some stuff from aēsop, but i have no fucking money @w@. hopefully when this week of terror ends i'll have enough time to actually do what i want... that is once my skin clears up :3
^gusonana
i got a macbook :3 it's from 2017 and it's a macbook air, with intel core i5 with 8gb of ram. i absolutely love it to bits
do you know what i DON'T LOVE, though? apparently it won't be supported by apple next year -.- just my luck. i'll prob have to manually install the next update and idk if i made a mistake. it runs stardew valley modded amazingly though, and i'm trying to configure minecraft to run with it :)
^gusonana
OMGOMGOGMOMGHDJSGHAGHAGHSGJH today is the 1 year anniversary of my FIRST EVER BLOG POST!!!! i've truly come so far :')
sorry i have left you guys for so long.. i'm feeling quite sad about web 3.0. i miss the days of when i was a child and would only have a ds on me as entertainment, so phone, no laptop... then i would come home to the internet as an escape from reality :') now reality has become an escape from the internet...
^gusonana
i'm very sorry for not talking much on here, i'm feeling a little depressed.. i have exams coming up in june and i'm far too sad to revise for them.. :(
^gusonana
listen,i KNOW for a fact that history happened and stuff but like.. for some reason i just really can not imagine life in the tudor times or even any pre modern era? it seems so bizarre and so comical that it just seems unreal hahaha
^gusonana
i think i want to convert to judaism. and by think i mean i've more or less made my mind up.
my reasons are mainly that i have the cultural connection to judaism, my grandma was jewish, but also because i've been interested in jewish customs and such since a young age.
the process on conversion is quite long for an outsider, that is in liberal, orthodox etc judaism anyways, however i'm more interested in humanistic judaism anyways, which states that anyone can "adopt" judaism, so long as they identify with the history and destiny of the jewish people. still, i feel wary about adopting this label around jews incase they don't accept me. i think i'm going to try the liberal judaism conversion process, and then follow humanistic jewish festivals and customs. it's quite a big jump to make, and i don't know how easy this journey will be, but i'm excited to commit to it.
^gusonana
i posted something on tiktok talking about how antisemetism is rarely taken seriously online. i expected people to be understanding, but nearly all the comments were facelees avatars talking ab how antisemetism is blown out of proportion and it's less bad than other forms of persecution. it's disgusting! this whole interaction has made me appreciate gusonana and you guys even more. on this website, i can talk with you, make friends, etc, however on tiktok when i make videos about cool stuff, i just get raided by a bunch of faceless avatars who mock me or call my stupid. also, putting my face out there is so scary! i'm super insecure about me lips and my hands ;( bullying cultutr just sucks. but i love you all :) if you want to follow me or talk with me, my instagram is the same as my website name.
on a positive note, yesterday i went to canterbury and it was magical. i never would have thought i would have liked a place in england! i met with my mum's friend, and they are sooo nice and have an adorable little girl. they also have the most beautiful ginger cat called rara, short for rasputin. i got some photos with him :) i also went to HMV and i was gonna get a hatsune miku drink, but it was too expensive sooo i put it back. but i got some cute kitty cat badges, some yuri on ice pins, and some moomin pins, and those hello panda chinese cookie things. if germany doesn't work out in the future, i think i would quite like to move to canterbury. i can't wait to visit them again!
aaaurghh. i have a migraine. i should probably go to sleep. hehe.
^gusonana
my emotions are like a yo-yo, they go up and down and up and down and up a-
there are simply just some days where socialising with others, and just being in the presence of / being seen by other people is too overwhelming. i'm good with studying and schoolwork but actually being in a social environment like school is exhausting, to say the least. my friend from uni also didn't come to london to see me which made/makes me feel sad. oh well. life goes on, i suppose. i wish it didn't, though.
update: someone threw a bottle of coke at my head with full force and now i am emotionally and physically in shambles
^gusonana
i got an eyeshadow pallette from my other friend, a new bag, some shemaghs and a hebrew learning book. my friend from university is coming to london to celebrate with me, im very excited :)
^gusonana
i haven't updated this blog in a while. :D
guess what? it's my birthday in 4 days and i will be 17 years old. i'm so excited :) grown up nana, here i come B)
^gusonana
school is so tiring and mentally exhausting.. our school is always saying how they care about mental health but the way they act tells me otherwise.
^gusonana
here are some stuff i've never told any before. i just wanted to type these out so i can come too terms with them.
one of my biggest insecurities is my hands and feet - i have a condition called palmoplantar keratoderma which is an incurable skin condition which causes the soles of my feet and the palms of my hands to have thicker skin, which makes them look really ugly and makes me scared that no one will want to date me or find me attractive bc of this. once i was on a date with a guy i met online in london and i pulled out my phone which caused him to see my hands and he said something along the lines of "oh god what is that". i'm also insecure about my body and find myself undereating or over exercising in the hopes that it would make me more attractive so someone will like me.
i remember my dad also saying in afrikaans that he didn't love me or my brother or something which i still think about often.
when i was 12-15 i was so starved of validation as a queer teen that i let older men take advantage of me, just in order to feel appreciated. and that whole thing about liking older men still stuck wuth me
i've turned to vaping and drinking now in order to relieve anxiety, but now im dependant on them, i get really scared about either of them running out.
^gusonana
two days of work in a row on the weekend, then college for a week after.... ughhhdehduheue and i already called in sick last week so i can't do it again this week. -.-
^gusonana
up until this morning i was doing relatively good (not doing backflips out of happiness but y'know... stable, at least) and now, i'm not suicidal or anything at the moment, but i'm just feeling monotonous again. like there isn't any joy to life. i'm pretty sure the guy i've been talking to for a few months has lost interest and that really hurts to see. i'm at a loss on what to do, in both that sense of quasi-romantic relationships and life in general. i don't know what to fo in the future as a job, i was thinking of going into farming, but is that really realistic? is *any* job in ghis capitalist climate even realistic anymore? i don't know. it all sucks.
^gusonana
happy new year everyone :) i'm so very happy that the sun is starting to come out more. i'm already feeling a little less depressed and more happy, i can't wait to start cycling more and start going out into the forest qwq
school is really stressing me out still and making me feel a bit depressed, A-levels are really kicking my ass. i will try to update my log more often. thank u to everyone who reads these, visits my website and gives me kindness :)))
^gusonana
i didn't want to leave you all in the dark before 2022 so i wanted to say happy holidays and may you find health and happiness in 2022. :)
^gusonana
i'm so sorry i haven't updated a lot! i'm just really busy at the moment. although, next year (only in a few weeks) i'll have a new page for 2022 diary entries. how exciting!
^gusonana
i'm still feeling under the weater. my social worker suggested i write in my journal every day about my feelings, so i think i'll do that. i also thought to myself, that i should maybe write in german here. because why not? i want to improve my germab more, so from now on, i'll include a german part of my journal (ger-nal? germanyal- no that doesn't work, sorry you had to read that).
***
heute fühle ich mich ein bißchen traurig. ich weiß nicht genau warum, es scheint mir dass ich immer ein bißchen deprimiert bin -- aber, ich bin so glücklich, dass ich mein deutsch verbessert habe. heute haben wir "die verwandlung" gelesen, und ich konnte so viel deutsch verstehen. ich möchte mehr deutsch schreiben und sprechen. ich lerne auch russisch seit letztem donnerstag. vielleicht in der zukunft kann ich hier in meinen website (?) aus russisch schreiben. das wird cool.
es tut mir leif, fur mein schlechter deutsch.
^gusonana
i'm feeling kinda gloomy, i hate christmas... i'm wishing it was summer or spring again, i miss taking long walks in the forest, soaking up vitamin d and being able to wear t shirts only outside.. but my ears and neck and legs get so cold in the winter, there's barely any sun, and it makes my depression even worse because i get little sunlight....
christmas also reminds me of how dysfunctional our family is -- it never goes well for us yet every year my parents insist on making it a perfect holiday and it's just jdsgfhdsavhfjggha
i have a sociology test tomorrow and i cannot be bothered for the life of me to actually do it. :/
^gusonana
how exciting! it's nearly halloween... i cannot wait! halloween is the only holiday i enjoy. i hate christmas, because my seasonal depression kicks in and i turn into a serotonin defficient zombie, but halloween has so much atmosphere around it... it reminds me of when i was a pagan and used to celebrate samhain and my ancestors. i think i'll do that again this year br>
^gusonana
did you all see the animal crossing direct 2 days ago? isn't it so exciting?! brewster, kapp'n and katrina are back, and cooking!! how exciting!
i can't believe 2022 is nearly here... i've nearly been here on neocities for 1 year now. how cool is that?
EDIT: also that crush i was talking about a few posts back? yeah i don't like him anymore. no reason, i just don't find myself attracted romantically to him now haha. also i'm going on a date this saturday.... i'm quite scared but excited at the same time. wish me luck!
^gusonana
i just got an ipad! neocities from a tablet is hard but i can make it work i think :)
^gusonana
i keep finding myself looking at him or trying to get his attention... maybe i was dramatic in my last story and he didn't know how to respond.. although i still wish i was aro -- maybe if i just outright tell him and make him say no to me just so i can use that as a way to get over this stoopid crush
^gusonana
i'm so heartbroken... the person i liked a lot is ignoring me... i dmed him something and he hasn't replied, but on my seccond account i posted something and he liked it.... i'm so sad i can't even bother to type this on my computer, i'm doing it from my phone in my room. i feel sick.... i wish i was straight or aromantic, things would be so much easier
^gusonana
just finished (nearly) my first week at college. it's super fun! it's a lot more academic than school was. i like that. i get to actually study the things i want to study and i love all my teachers.
also, i didn't quit work -- but they reduced my shifts at work because i have school -- in other words, no more work for the foreseeable future... bavfuawgfudfudufa i am so so so relieved.
finally, i made a new playlist, u can give it a lesson here :)
^gusonana
i started college yesterday, got my timetable and my form and i love it. i'm still super nervous for sixth form though. this is such a huge jump...
i'm debatin whether or not to carry on with work... i hate working a lot and it's horrible for my mental health, but making a little extra money is quite nice, i suppose.
^gusonana
i told my boss im going back to school this week so i can't work that much. guess what they proceed to do. they made me have a shift EVERY DAY of this week until school starts. i am practically punching my keyboard in rage. makes me want to SCCREEEEEAAAAAAAM
^gusonana
sorry i haven't been updating much, i've had low motivation due to depression. yesterday i got vaccinated and because im 16 i only get one dose -- yipee!! hopefully that means i can go to germany to speak german. i also started learning french today -- i know, i know, i started leaarning toki pona just 10 days ago, but i think me being autistic allows me to easier learn multiple languages at the same time :D my therapist calls it procrastination and that i "need to prioritise my studies over my hobbies" i call it innovation and making do with what we have, innit
^gusonana
so depressed...
^gusonana
here's one of these longer blog posts again
so i bought a sports bra and a wig and the sports bra is soooo comfy... i'm just waiting for the wig and my makeup to arrive
i've also been toying with the idea of microdosing estrogen -- stupid laws in the uk means i can't get hormones because i'm under 18, so i'll have to buy hormones with my own money (maybe i can open a paypal or something so i can recieve donations) and i need to buy anti ndrogens like bica too
i started reading a short novella in german called "the nameless child" and it's kinda cute. i also started learning toki pona today, and i can't say much except:
toki! mi jan Nana en mi toki toki pona, toki apikan, toki tosi en toki inli. toki pona li toki suwi
yeah, not very good. i'm working on a toki pona section on my website when my toki pona improves enough.
^gusonana
god i hate this city so much. i was stupid enough to not bring by laptop, so i'm writing this from my phone. it is so painful dude
^gusonana
i realy wanna start writing short stories and maybe publishing them but i really have no motivation to... it's not that i'm too lazy, just excecutive function i guess
also shout out to turd for consistently reading these logs :D
^gusonana
i couldn't find a replacement for my africa bracelet :(
beabadoobee was pretty cool and i saw damon albarn too
idk what to write here, i turned down the guy who asked me out, life has been pretty bland lately. hmmmmmmmmm
^gusonana
oh, what a disaster... i lost my africa pendant that i bought in cape town when i last went to visit my family in south africa.... :( i'm absolutely devastated
^gusonana
i'm going to a music festivak on thursday. no one i like is performing, but i'm going to see beabadobee. i'm also going to see kero kero bonito in september :)
does anyone else feel like, i don't now, i'm really good at worldbuilding and composing melodies, but when it comes to writing and singing i'm hopelessly shit :D
i'm feeling kinda depressed, kinda like life is too bland. i think this guy from my school is flirting with me, he said he wanted to hang out today but i said i was busy. he said maybe we can meet tomorrow. he's in a relationship but i think he wants it to be an open relationship, which (for me) is perfect solely because im terrified of commitment... but i don't know.
this was a very lengthy log, i like doing these longer logs. they feel refreshing and typing my thoughts and publishing them is fun!
^gusonana
mmmmmmhh... im so over work.. -.-
^gusonana
rivers remind me of life. always flowing towards their destination, meandering and overcoming obstacles wherever they come across. streams can split off from rivers and form their own path or they can join new rivers. isn't that beautiful?
^gusonana
so.. depressed..
i need some excitement to break the monotony of life. i'm never pleased with what i'm doing. i don't like the way my body looks either.
:(
^gusonana
my cat is sleeping next to me on my pillow, and i can tell she is dreaming because her taill is swooshing and twitching
perhaps cats' dreams come from their tail. :3
^gusonana
don't you feel annoyed when you get lethargic from things that haven't even happened yet?
^gusonana
i'm feeling quite better and i'm more comfortable with my body now
i wanna write an essay but i'm too lazy to. haaaaaaasjsjf d
^gusonana
i hate my body so much. nothing i do can make me happy with it. i can't describe it
i have been feeling horibly depressed lately
^gusonana
i think i'm a girl
^gusonana
tomorrow i'm going for an end of school celebration and picnic with my friends :3 i feel kinda guilty that i'm not working much this week but argh oh wellll fsjfbhsegfyukesy
^gusonana
someone who caused me a whole lot of trauma wants to apologise
i don't want to accept their apology
its ok for me not to accept abusers apologies right
^gusonana
i ordered the switch lite and it's coming tommorow!!!!! i'll add my friend code to my about me section in a bit so stay tuned for that, maybe we can play together
^gusonana
hyperfixation go BRRRRRRRRRR
i tried coming up with an incentive for me to go to work, and that incentive was "if i get paid, i can get the new blue switch lite!" the major flaw in that being I ALREADY HAVE A SWITCH. but heheeh pretty blue :3
yeah so now the worst part about it is now because of me, being neurodivergent, i've started to hyperfixate on the switch lite so bad that it physically hurts my brain. anyways, i have work again tomorrow so you can bet i'll be on that switch lite grind!
^gusonana
this one person i met online and were friends with was snakey to me and my other friend group. i distanced myself from her but i tried making ammends, as did she. this was all to please someone else in our group.
but now for literally no reason (i haven't interacted with her AT ALL) she told me to shut up when i tried talking to her, and she unfollowed me. it hurt at first, but then i realised i'm not gonna let some lowlife who is several years older than me bully me and get me down! i have other friends who i KNOW care about me. i don't need validation from older people anymore!
i deleted my twitter and blocked her on everything. i'm not worried about the oher friend asking me to befriend her again, because this time, we BOTH saw the message she sent me.
i don't need anyone else, i'm going to live for myself!
^gusonana
i'm off tomorrow. i want to learn to code html and css better, so i can make this log prettier. i am so tired ...
^gusonana
something really (cool? funny?) i found online -- basically, if one were to google "dolphins" by avril levine, you will find literally fucking TONNES of websites hosting lyrics for this song.
except this song doesn't exist.
the wierd and kinda eerie thing about this for me is that all of the lyrics are very poorly spelled, which just further ads to the mystery.
is it a copyright trap? is it a mistake? i don't know...
here you can find the lyrics for this seemingly non-existant song. take care everyone...
^gusonana
recovery is so fucking hard. i know i don't skip meals as much as i used to but whenever i look at a food item or whatever, all i feel is guilt.
i associate beauty with skeletal anorexic bodies and now that i'm not underweight anymore i feel fat -- even though my weight is normal. i'm constantly on the verge of fainting and it's affecting my school and work life.
^gusonana
:/ so i started work and... it sucks. customers are so fuckin rude and they don't treat me like a human.
it's so frustrating!
money doesn't really motivate me either, but at least this job has further motivated me to do well at college. maybe if i work hard enough i can do a job i actually like. i'm going to give college my all!
^gusonana
welp i got the job. the interview was scary but i did it.
we didn't end up going to canterbury. it was raining over there and the person we were meeting have a baby.
i don't like babies. babies are assholes.
^gusonana
:/ so i'm starting work soon which doesn't particularly excite me in all honestly. i barely have enough energy to get myself up in the morning to go to school or whatever and it sucks knowing under this bullshit capitalist economy i'm required to do this shitty retail job that pays me minimum wage just for me to get by. i kinda have no motivation to do anything anymore but i guess i'll have to deal with it until the revolution comes lol
in other news i'm going to canterbury tomorrow. hopefully i can sit down in a nice open field and lay down and relax to take my mind off of things. but arrgrhhhh my interview D: wish me luck ;)
in other words, my cat is sleeping next to me, and she is dreaming. her tail is swishing about -- it's adorable. it reminds me of when i was little, my mamma tied a balloon around my wrist and we both pretended it was a dog. i appreciate she played along with her dumb 4 year old's fantasies.
^gusonana